A rerun and then - done!

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10 days to go... I'm getting closer finding out if the murderer was Colonel Mustard with the chandelier in the vestibule... closer to finish this last chapter.

Every time I'm finished reading a book, I lay it down on my chest, I close my eyes in a moment of silence, reminiscing about the world I´ve been a part of, its content and how I see myself in relation to the characters, the sceneries and the events.

Now, as I'm about to leave so much behind, I've started to reminisce about my own life a bit more than usual.
A last farewell I guess. Some closure! Time to do the break up thing.
"It´s not you, it´s me!"

I´ve taken time to sit down with my closest, talking everything through and they've all brought up one word that I´m not sure how I´m gonna relate to: bravery!
Even though hearing it makes me happy, I'm not sure I see myself as brave. 
How does one define bravery?
To me it's a matter of subjectivity but with a more objective look Merriam-Webster defines this adjective a quality to face dangers, fears or difficulties. 

Am I being brave or just naive and getting away with it? 
Is it even ok to think or talk about yourself in that kind of a self-indulgent way?

 When I decided to emigrate I had no idea what my prospects were and in that very moment I was terrified, but I felt I had no other choice. 
Making that kind of a decision right then and there might count as bravery but actually going through with it now, with everything sorted for me, I have to say - no! 
To me, bravery´s when you´re doing something for others that might lead you to hardship or pain. 
I´m doing this for my own selfishness. I'm only trying to make myself happy again. 
So, instead of being an extremely poor excuse of a Joan of Arc
(a maiden with true bravery) I'd rather see myself as someone who can inspire to follow one´s dreams. 

 When reminiscing about my past I've been taking a closer look at myself - who have I been up until now and who will I be after I've moved? Who do I want me to be?
In my hand I´m holding a wand made of holly that can transform me into whomever I want... no one´s gonna know.
But I don´t believe in magic like that... only when it comes to love and to the theatre... plus, that kind of acting belongs on stage, where you have a paying audience.

No, my answer is: I'm gonna keep on being me! The difference is that I'M in control now... vulnerable of course... but strong enough to not take shit anymore! 
I´m grateful for my past, all the good and ALL the bad, 
for giving me this future. 
No regrets! 
Just learned a lot the hard way, that´s all. 

Thanks to all that pain, I now have more love to give than ever before. Only this time I'm being more careful of who gets it. 
So if you feel like you've gotten that on of a kind Fabergé piece of my heart, it's because I truly want you to have it!

Last but not least, to all my closest friends (you know who you are). This will be my last post before I go and I have one thing to say:
You better get your fine asses on that plane and come over and hug me and stuff or I´ll kill you!

Toodles!




Comments

  1. Anonymous25 May 2017 at 21:24

    'If you dare to say goodbye life will always give you a new hello" If that's the quote of the day, then here's the equivalent rhyme. It fits, it hits, will I fall into bits? You know, I like to think courage is also having the strength to face yourself and how your actions and choices affect not only other people but also your own self and through that, other people. So stay a little selfish, won't you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. duchessofdublin25 May 2017 at 21:29

      That kind of selfishness I can do :) Thank you!

      Delete

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