Taken

This post was supposed to be all about that wedding day... the duchess and Duke of Dublin uniting their hearts in front of family and friends.

But life took a different, tumbling and painful turn. The greatest joy of marrying the love of my life was followed by the greatest sorrow of losing my FIRST love of my life, my sweet baby boy Tyson, who on July 26 passed away from cancer at 11 years old.

It was late in the evening when he fell asleep in my arms and the world around me fell apart, leaving behind a dark, gaping, screaming hole that burrowed itself down deep in my chest... Grief.

A feeling I have never felt before but been terrified of, has taken me as its host, clinging on to my ribcage, brooding in the dark, feeding on my soul.

I cant believe he is gone. Set fire to the world!!!... I want him back! Do what you want to me but please give him back! 

Who am I without you?... Everything happens for a reason - Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. 

I have had to start a new chapter of my life.

No longer living in Ireland, but sitting out on the terrace of our new home in Gibraltar, I am writing what will be my eulogy to my darling baby boy, who has made my life such a blessing. This post is for you Tyson.

Our life together was amazing. You loved me like no other and you made me laugh every day I was with you. While I want the whole world, you only wanted one thing in this world - me. 

Losing you is no different to the loss of any other child in this world. I raised you, I protected and cared for you. I love you.

Even tough you never spoke a world, I understood everything you said. We have that unbreakable bond that will keep us together forever and ever. Like I told you all the time -

"You and me Tyson, for ever and ever."

The pain of not having you here is unbearable, I miss you so much but I understand you had to go.

Your illness may have won the battle but you won the war. You fought bravely and you were happy to the very last day and I'm so proud of you.

This world is a better place because of you, my hilarious little guy who made everyone around you smile. I miss your playfulness, your determination, your sense of humour and our daily talks, tucking you in at night and to be woken up to see your smiling face in the mornings. 

They are all memories now that will last me my lifetime, until I see you again. 

I will continue to lift up your blanky so you can come and lay next to me and I will never stop calling out your name. I will celebrate your life and do good things in your name.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Always your mum,